Hesitance

Reader,

So why have I waited this long to start this? I'll be turning 30 momentarily, and the last time I wrote anything that anyone enjoyed (allegedly) was over a decade ago when I got some school award for a thing I wrote. (That story will be one I may touch on later...I literally just rammed a few movie ideas together, but I was feverish in writing it and thoroughly enjoyed myself...then they gave me an award and an itch started that I haven't scratched since. Again, more on that at some other time.)

I've valuated time differently given my line of work in sales. I categorize my time in buckets. If I'm not (1) making money or pursuing activities to that end then I'm (2) helping my loved ones with whatever small crises have struck in their lives or (3) enjoying myself. This desire to pursue writing puts my aim squarely at maximizing the amount of enjoyment in that 3rd bucket for someone else.

But how do I do that? Do I actually have something to say that will inspire thoughts or questions to enhance your life? Can I entertain you on a level like Marvel does with its movies or comics? Can I scare you like Stephen King? Can I inspire you to reach for whatever dreams you have? Can I spin a thread that will be worth the paper or internet memory it's on?

Because I'm asking you to spend a solid part of your life engaged in something I've created. Beyond the money I may ask for someday (HA! like that'll happen you fucking moron...talking to myself), I'm asking you to make the far more valuable investment of your time. Something we all choose to ignore is just how little time we do have. (We can lengthen or shorten it with the choices we make in terms of drugs or diet, etc. But in the end they're only small adjustments.) When you look back on your life and consider all you've taken in, will you regret the time you've given to engage with my creation(s)? Will they have any impact at all?

Is this just a way for me to try and reach immortality? Everyone thinks about their impact on this planet and whether or not we'll be remembered, how that memory will be, and what will be left of us. Is my actual aim to escape these questions by leaving work like this behind? Does the selfishness in that pursuit sour it altogether?

Why am I doing this? Couldn't this time be better spent trying to increase my income? More savings is needed for the times we have ahead. Like it or not, the market is going to turn and things aren't going to be good here shortly. This current administration has embraced a policy of chaos, and the market has risen and fallen dramatically. What happens to us (my family) when that hits rock bottom and there isn't enough savings there? What will I do when I know that I could've been pursuing additional income and instead chose to pursue this?

I've agonized over these questions to my detriment. I've lost sleep to my anxiety over bills and what comes tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. And the years following? You'll hate to see my thoughts on those. They aren't hopeful.

I say "to my detriment" because I simultaneously realize (ok, fine, my fiancee helps bring me back and tells me to knock it off) that these thoughts are cancerous. They devour your sanity and drive what little semblance of control you do have right over the cliff. Loss of sleep is the worst byproduct - it leads to stupid mistakes at work and risks what income you do have. I'm making a solid income now, but it's 100% commission-based and the thought of downturns and things happening beyond my control can paralyze me with fear.

But I'm here. This is a dream, and I want to give it its due so that I myself don't look back on things in another 30 years and regret not taking the shot.

I hope I can give you something worthwhile. I want to help you, inspire you, or just entertain you for the few moments we have together while you go about your life with the anxiety-riddled times you very probably have. If I achieved none of these goals, then I thank you for giving me the chance to try.

-Tim